HA HA HA! Jokes!!!!

Ok there was two barbers doing there job. Suddenly Bush and Kerry come in and sit by each other to get there hair cut. They never said anything. At the end the barber who was cutting Dubya's hair asked him if he wanted any lotion for his face. He said no because his wife would smell it and think he had been in jail. The barber who was cutting Kerry's hair asked him if he wanted any. He said sure! My wife doesn't know what jail smells like.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                                                                       Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to make out with the cat."

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Snappy Answers
When someone questions the obvious give them back a snappy answer. ;)

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "Freak you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

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Lunch time

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building. The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldn't jump off." The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off." They both looked at the husband of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Big pimpin'

What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and George Bush? A pimp with a speech impediment.

Chicken Crossfire

Why did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan answers this question: "To steal a job from a decent , hard-working American." Dr. Seuss answers this question: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why? It's not been told." Grandpa answers this question: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us." And Colonel Sanders answers this question: "I missed one?"

Chicken Crossfire

Why did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan answers this question: "To steal a job from a decent , hard-working American." Dr. Seuss answers this question: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why? It's not been told." Grandpa answers this question: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us." And Colonel Sanders answers this question: "I missed one?"

A Blonde Goes to the Library?

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it." The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------   3 Wishes A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Splish Splash Through the Field A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other, and she got extremly pissed off and turned of the radio. She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blonde Half-Wit What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blonde Hits the Ground Last If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building with the same velocity, each travelling at a parallel speed relative to one another, who lands first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blonde Horse Ranch A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse. I really like blondes! these are just funny jokes! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Pig In A Bar A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.'' And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.'' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Big pimpin' What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and George Bush? A pimp with a speech impediment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What Are Politics? A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?" His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that." So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now." "You do? Tell me." "OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bush and Son A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father." "That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bush, Cheney, and the Buck Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter. "Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!" "Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! We're gettin' farther away from our truck!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chicken Crossfire Why did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan answers this question: "To steal a job from a decent , hard-working American." Dr. Seuss answers this question: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why? It's not been told." Grandpa answers this question: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us." And Dubya answers this question: "Sorry I think I missed the question. I was too busy making america heck!"  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Submited by Jack E.: Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were     sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.     After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the     elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb     75 flights of stairs to get to their room.  Bill said to Jim and     Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by     concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for 25     flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can     tell sad stories the rest of the way.  At the 26th floor Bill     stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor     Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.  "I will     tell my saddest story first," he said.  "I left the room key in     the car!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- also submitted by jack: "the future sure isnt what it used to be." says bush

Avril Lavigne!